12/09

you know one thing I have understood in life, that nothing but absolutely nothing is worth it. Am I pessimistic in life? maybe. But one thing is certain that nothing is worth it to the point of harming yourself. As introverted, I find it difficult to socialize with people, both for ideas and for lifestyle.

I see a lot of feminist slogans promoting that you could survive even on your own. This is not true, and do you know why? Because nobody can stand loneliness. And I live it in the first person, being in the walls of your home looking out the window people pass,  leading  their life, they always have that happy air. And I wondered: why not me?

I tried to socialize, to be someone I am not, and even do things I didn’t want, but only because I desperately needed someone to make me feel less alone.

I remember when I turned 20, instead of being happy, I cried. Because at that exact moment, a bolt of lightning went through my entire spine, and I realized that until that time I had never enjoyed anything. I had few happy memories.

A wave of sadness hit me that I could not put into words, because no one would understand. Most people dismiss you by saying ‘you are young what problems you can ever have‘, clearly they were limited to age rather than being.

so I remained so closed, and dark. It even crosses my mind how I managed to still be here.

People only see the surface, they only worry when you are visibly ill, but they never stop to see that veiled mask, behind it, there is a soul weeps blood that would like to be saved, that sticks its claws into the flesh of its heart until it bleeds, to cling to that shred of light, of hope. That in the future would be better than the past and that all the lost time can be rewarded in something albeit small, but in something.

sal